Diving In...

"Diving in" seemed an appropriate follow-up to "Jump then Fall"...because we have jumped, fallen and are now diving, head over heals, into adopting from Haiti. It's hard to believe that we are on this journey. It takes so much just to get started. Of course, you never know what you're getting into until you go for it.

As of right now, we are in the major paperwork overload stage. We are filling out our home study packet and preparing for our social worker to visit us soon. Who knew all the information you have to reveal about yourself? It's certainly necessary, but I guess I've never really thought much about it because I haven't actually walked through this process myself or alongside a close friend.

The questionnaires and paperwork are revealing and reflective. While I filled out the marriage questionnaire, I reflected on what I love about my husband, how we communicate, what we struggle with, what our challenges are as a couple and how we resolve conflict. I retold the story of falling in love with Don and fell further in love with him as I told it, and thought about so much in our lives that I never really spend much time thinking about...this has been a good exercise and worth the time that it has taken.

There's also the "autobiography" of sorts that you have to write plus a parenting questionnaire. Each step has caused me to process more of who I am, who we are as a family, and who Don and I are as a couple and as parents. Perhaps this is part of the design of the home study, or maybe it's just a side effect. Either way, it's been so good for me to spend time writing and preparing, thinking all the time about the little boy or girl that will come into our family.

Because the process takes so long (18 months or so), and we don't know yet who our child is, there is a strange feeling that this isn't "real". So many others are much further ahead. We have so many steps to complete, so many government agencies to go through and so much waiting. The adoption of a child is often compared to a pregnancy. I like the analogy.

For me, the paperwork has seemed a bit like morning sickness and the overwhelming tiredness...something to get through but also a reason to cause me to slow down. At times I've thought, I will never get through the paperwork. Other times, I've been so tired from thinking and writing, but the process is good...necessary.

When the paperwork is done and the documents are sent to their respective places (after many notarizations, government clearances, translations, etc.), we will begin to wait. When you're pregnant, you have to wait too. Why should it be any different with adoption? We will wait. Sometimes we will wait patiently. Sometimes we will wait in anxiousness.

Our labor will come in stages...first, through our referral (when we get an emailed picture of our child!), then a first visit to meet our child and finally bringing our child home forever. I think the labor pains will be strongest between the time we first meet our child in Haiti and the time when we bring him or her home.

Anyway around it, it's all a process. The process is good, though, and worth it. Good things come to those who wait; and all things good are from God, and He promises that our labor will not be in vain. Thank goodness His process, plan and timing is perfect.

So, here we go... dive with us, head over heels. The journey will be worth it!

WARNING: you will get wet on this ride!

Jump then Fall

Since returning from Haiti, my heart can't stop thinking about the children there. I was overwhelmed by the reality of so many children without parents. While I knew the statistic "147 Million" orphans, thanks to the wonderful awareness campaign by moms making a difference, that number itself is hard to comprehend. However, when I put faces with the number, my heart felt sick...so many children with no mom, no dad, no family.

One day, I spoke with one of the male workers at the orphanage. We had a long conversation. Jean Marie was learning English and was eager to talk to me. In our conversation, I asked him what he thought about Americans and other foreigners adopting the Haitian children and taking them out of their homeland. With Jean Marie being Haitian, I wanted to hear his perspective.

What he told me, further opened my eyes. Jean Marie said, "I love America. I love Americans. You have come in to help us when we cannot help ourselves. The only chance that these children have in this world is to be adopted. I am very grateful and happy that Americans want to take care of and love these kids." Those words, coming from Jean Marie whose homeland is Haiti, rocked my world.

Eliza and I fell in love with these precious souls. We loved on them, carried them, played with them, fed them, giggled, sang and just held them...for hours. It was so difficult to leave them when it was time to return to the States. Here, at home, I can't stop thinking about those children. One, in particular, holds a firm grasp on my heart. She is constantly on my mind and in my heart...

I was emotionally unprepared to be called "Mama Blanc"to tiny hearts thousands of miles away, and I know I am among hundreds of women who feel similar. The attachment is much more powerful than I imagined. So hard, in fact, that when Eliza and I came home, we asked our own family to consider adoption.

We have been praying now for just over 30 days. Some of us are looking for a big sign that says, "yes, adoption is for your family!" Some want a small sign, a nudge. Others of us don't need a sign at all. The heart just knows... perhaps that is sign enough.

Today I came across a quote that I wrote down during a Bible study last year. I don't know if someone in our group said it, if I penned it or if I paraphrased it from something that was said. It doesn't matter. 

What I wrote was, "Are you afraid to pray for what you need because of fear you might get it?" A couple of days ago, I was reading Facebook posts, and my friend Kelly posted, "Why do we doubt God when He...shows us opportunities -- why do we look for things to hold us back -- why?"

Both of those questions are "fear-based." We can talk ourselves out of anything if we focus on the fear-factor. I understand practicality and the need to consider reality when making a big decision, but sometimes, the best decisions are the most impractical, the most radical...the most real.

Fear of what is not practical can hold us back from falling...even while we stare possibility in the face. Fear of what feels radical can keep us from leaping...even while God holds His will in our face.

Do I need a sign? Do I have to hold out a fleece? Do I have to be practical?  Do I need reasons to hold myself back? If so, what am I going to miss?

I'm feeling the urge to jump...

She Has a Heart for Haiti

Eliza and I recently returned from our first trip to Haiti... the trip was Eliza's dream come true. She claimed to have a heart for Haiti prior to ever going. I witnessed that heart in action and in truth when I saw her in Haiti. She does, indeed, have a heart for Haiti.

Our trip to Haiti included our spending time with the children in the orphanage adjacent to our guest house. The time we spent with those children is some of the most precious time of my life... not just because of the children themselves but also because of my child's unreserved love for them. She went in "no holds barred," heart and soul, no conditions... just pure love and passion.

We were with a group of 60 or so people. Eliza, 10 years old, was by far the youngest by at least 5 years. Being the youngest, though, was not a disadvantage for her. In fact, what I witnessed in her is the heart of a girl on a mission... a missionary, called by God to the country of Haiti.

I would venture to say that it's rare for a 10 year old to hear God's calling. I think it's rare for an adult to hear God's calling... or perhaps what's rare is for us to listen and follow God's calling. Eliza had no problem hearing, listening and following.

She touched our group of Americans in a way that literally floored me. The whole group knew her by name. Men and women encouraged her, loved on her and witnessed God's calling on her life.

There is so much more to tell, more details of our experiences both emotionally and spiritually, but what I most want to convey right now, is the call to hear, listen and follow.

Jesus tells us that we should have faith like that of a child. A child's faith is unclouded by Earthly distractions... eyes open, ears listening, heart fertile. Never have I personally experienced a more powerful witness for God's will than I did while watching Eliza.

Oh, that I, like Eliza, like a child, would be a simple vessel for Christ... filled up, running over, spilling out everywhere.

Stuck in the Middle

In the mid to late 80's, my high school friends and I used to eat at a pizza joint called Mr. Gatti's. Mr. Gatti's served traditional pizza fare, including the daily, all-you-can-eat, buffet. On one particular outing for pizza, I walked up to place my order and was asked if I wanted a drink. This was long before there were free refills and immediate access to the fountain or any sizes other than small, medium and large. So, what you ordered is what you got, and I ordered a medium Coke.

The employee taking my order looked at me and said, "We don't have medium. Medium is for people who can't make up their minds." Excuse me, I thought to myself, and I repeated in my mind just what the cashier had said to me, medium is for people who can't make up their minds. For a moment I couldn't say anything. I was embarrassed by his rude reply and offended by his nerve, but "no mediums" meant that I had to decide between large and small. I don't remember which size I chose, but, for some reason, I have never forgotten what this person said to me.

In reality, I suppose the Mr. Gatti's guy was right. Medium is for people who can't make up their minds. I didn't want as much as a large, but I wanted more than a small. "Medium" is the perfect compromise, though.   I thought about medium is for people who can't make up their minds a lot after that incident...at the time, less philosophically and more emotionally because I was just offended, nothing else.

However, as I've aged, I've thought about and considered this response more on philosophical level. Recently, my husband and I talked about it, and he said, "We actually live our lives in the middle, sometimes pursuing the materialistic and other times trying to simplify (para)"  Is "medium" less than a compromise and more of an easy way out? Am I truly stuck to medium in more ways than one? I think I am, and being in the middle has created a huge internal struggle... I've lost my desire to chose medium. So, where do I really stand?

I think of the middle as being a valley with a steep climb up to either side. One side is labeled "Large" and the other is labeled "Small."At the top of large is a life lived in over-the-top extravagance, perhaps the life of some of the rich and famous, closed-fisted, self-focused. The Small side, in contrast, is humble, not boastful, a life lived with open hands and an open heart, unswayed by Western Civilization's bulldozer focused at the top of the Large slope. While each slope is difficult to travel, neither is unattainable, but it's easier to linger in the Middle, taking steps up each side every now and then, and this is where I find myself. My reality is that I am tired of the Middle, and I'm left to choose Large or Small, but history has proven that I change my mind going back and forth, and finally landing in the Middle, again.

I've attempted to partially climb the Large slope so many times and along the way, I developed a silent, but deadly, "keep up with the Joneses" mantra. It's no secret, a lot of us live this way. If we didn't, there would be no one to keep up with. In reality, it's impossible to actually keep up with the Joneses unless you are yourself the Joneses.

I live in a beautiful home in a terrific neighborhood, but I've wanted a bigger house, more land. I've driven hip mom-taxis, but I've wanted ones with higher status. I have a closet full of clothes, but I've wanted more. I could go on, but you get the idea... I've succumbed to the tune of "more is more" more times than I'd like to admit. Quite frankly, it's exhausting and unfulfilling and each time I return to climb the Large side, I rediscover that more is not more of anything meaningful, just more. So, I slide back down to the Middle. Honestly, I don't want to make it all the way to the top of Large, but sometimes I think that half-way up would be ok...see what's happening here?

The Small slope allures me with its unselfishness, peace and contentment. Unfortunately, it's hard to climb up the Small side with all of the luggage I've accumulated from my climb up the Large. There have been plenty of times when I've ravaged through my closet getting rid of "everything", only to realize my closet was still full of clothes. I've given stuff away, had garage sales, posted on Craigslist and ebay only to turn around and replace it through the years with something else. The climb up Small is tough. My baggage from the Large weighs me down, and I get pulled back to the Middle where things seem more comfortable when in reality there's no true contentment in maintaining the status quo. The push and pull is exhausting.

Sometimes, I think there is a workaround to Small. If I lived in a smaller house in a smaller town, drove an older car, home schooled my kids and existed on no one else's schedule, terms or expectations other than the parameters of my own family, then it would be easy to live Small...duh! However, abandoning my present life and responsibilities isn't truly living Small. It's avoiding the presence of Large so I don't have to deal with the external pressure of actually choosing.

Maybe airing my own internal struggle in a public forum is a step in the right direction, but allowing myself to be vulnerable doesn't change the direction of my climb, it acknowledges where I am right now. I know, by the grace of God, that I will survive just fine in the Middle, make a difference even, but I can't deny the obvious pull to make a choice. The Middle is for people who can't make up their minds.  I don't want to be one of those people anymore. I want Small. The slope will be steep, the path will be rocky and confusing at times, but I won't be alone. Thank the Lord that He knows the way. Wanna climb with me?

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

I was thinking this morning about the recent additions to our Western vernacular... reduce, reuse, recycle, global footprint, global impact, etc. With a heavy concentration on the environment and how our daily habits influence the Earth's environment for good or bad, we are often reminded of the need to reduce our impact.

While I'm all for being environmentally sensitive, as a mother, wife, daughter and friend, I'm actually trying to increase the impact that I have on my environment in an effort to leave a lasting footprint, one that matters... reduce my selfishness, reuse the forgiveness that I've received and recycle the kind of love that is without condition.

Selfishness is tough to get away from, especially in a world where "self is king." It's hardly possible to reduce in America when our focus is me, me, me and more, more, more.

Forgiveness is hard to reuse when we see so many who won't forgive, which again goes back to being selfish. How can you forgive if you are selfish? Forgiving is based on our ability to become selfless.

Love is hard, if not impossible, to recycle if we look to the world to show us how. Unconditional love is not a standard set by our society. Again, we have to go back to being selfless if we want to love well.

I'm not saying that we won't find selfless, forgiving and loving people in our world. Of course, we will. Hopefully, you're one of them or you're working hard to be one of them.

We can only rely on one example...the One who left the greatest global impact. If we look to Jesus as our guide, and we seek to emulate Him, our own footprint on the world will become increasingly difficult to distinguish from His.

Why? Because Jesus was the greatest environmentalist ever. He knew how to reduce, reuse and recycle from the beginning. He is selfless. He is forgiving. He loves without condition.

Think about it... if we were all to use His example as our modus operandi, would our environment be suffering so much? Would our world be hurting so much? Would we be working so hard to reduce our stuff, reuse our bags, recycle our plastic? Would our focus be less on us and more on Him? I'm willing to bet it would.

Who's your Faucet?

Do you ever ask yourself, "What am I supposed to do now? How am I going to fill my cup? Who is going to fill my cup?" I find myself asking it a lot.

I respond quickly to praise, but what if I'm not praised? What if no one notices what I've done? What if I'm too exhausted and tired to accomplish much? What if I don't blog for months? What if I don't have a house to tear down and rebuild after a flood? What if I don't have a trip to plan, a purchase to make, a home improvement project to organize, a company to run...What then? Am I good for nothing?

Our world tells us that in order to be successful, you need to be busy. You need to be on a track to a brilliant career; you need to write the next #1 song; you need to be the mom most involved in your kid's school; you need to be a mom and HAVE a career outside the home; you need to be a mom and NOT have a career outside the home; you need to...you need to...you need to. The list goes one and on. You fill in the blank. The world defines worth and success by what we do and how much of it we do...the more the better.

The Lord commands us in Deuteronomy 30:15 "to love the LORD your God, to walk in his ways, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the LORD your God will bless you..." He also says,  "(I have shown) you, O man and woman, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8)

We have the instructions for living a full life of increase and goodness. We have been given simple, yet complex commands from our God about how we should live. The commands are simple because they are straightforward. They are complex because His commands do not align with what our society, culture, nation tells us we should be doing. God's commands go against the grain of "more, more, more" and, instead, say, "less, less, less." "Less is more" and is a hard concept to convince ourselves of. What if we stopped trying to convince ourselves, and, instead, just tried to obey God, act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with our God?

What if that is all we had to do today? Get up. Try hard not to sin. Treat others with kindness and mercy and walk with the Lord ALL DAY. If our day were filled with the simplicity of loving God, ourselves and others well, would there not be a change in the daily pressure to do more, have more, be more? What if we followed God's will for our lives and "always (tried) to be kind to each other and to everyone else. (Were) joyful always; pray(ed) continually; (and gave) thanks in all circumstances"? (I Thes. 15-18).

I'm not saying that we don't need to take care of our responsibilities at home, at work, to our friends and spouses. I'm saying, what if we took care of our responsibilities in a different way? What if we walked confidently in God's ability to provide and to use us for His great pleasure? Surely, He would direct us to get done what needs to be done, to take care of who or what needs to be taken care of.

What a huge relief that would be, right? We could let go of our anxiety? We could be kind no matter how others treated us? We could always be joyful? We would pray all of the time? We would give thanks even when our circumstances were less than awful? Could we be peaceful and content in God's love for us?

Of course, the answer to these questions is a resounding "YES!" Again, though, we won't do it. We push the thoughts of pleasing God aside and pour ourselves into pleasing others and expecting others to recognize what we do and convince us of our worth. Why do we do that, especially, when so many of us know...WE KNOW...that we aren't supposed to live a life based on what we think others think we should do or be?

I am guilty of, believing that you give me worth. If you are impressed with something that I can do...If you are amazed at how well I accomplish everything on my plate...If you praise me, then I will feel satisfied...except when you don't praise me. What then? That's when I crash. If I don't get some kind of positive reinforcement or praise, I am good for nothing, which is, of course, a BIG FAT lie! It's Satan's favorite lie, and he uses the sin of the world to convince us of its truth.

When the Liar plants the questions and encourages feelings of worthlessness through the seeds of self-doubt, is when the he has the opportunity to sabotage our thoughts. He has so many clever tools all around us, and there is no doubt he will use them. HE WILL USE THEM. He will hit us over the head with the lie of worthlessness.

We must flee the enemy, push aside these thoughts to the point that when they re-enter, and they will, we just laugh and say, "I know that trick, and I won't fall for it! I have a God who loves me with an everlasting love. His love never ends. His Spirit intercedes for me when I am weak and when I am strong. My God has called me by my very own name. I am His and He is mine. God's love for me gives me worth beyond measure, exceptional, brilliant worth. I am worthy only because of His mercy, and because of His mercy, I am worthy." God's love does not change like the shifting sands. It does not come and go based on my performance. God's love is permanent and unconditional.

Let's encourage one another to live a life confident in our worth to God. There is no other opinion that matters. There is no boss, no spouse, no friend, no parent, NO ONE who gets to fill our cups except Jesus. The good news is that He has filled our cups to overflowing. Like a cup held under a running faucet, He fills us to overflowing. He will fill us to the point that we will, as my friend and author, Nancy Guthrie says, "slosh out Jesus everywhere,"  The challenge before us is that we must stand under the Right Faucet...the faucet of Living Water, the Spring that gives Life everlasting and without measure. The question stands, "Who's your faucet?" The answer, though, is up to us.

His Plan is Perfect

This Sunday, we were challenged by our pastor to read through the Flood narrative in Genesis 7 and study what elements of God's character are revealed in it. Our pastor gave us a few defining elements to being with: God hates sin. God always does what He says He will do. When God closes a door, only God can open it again. Other character defining elements were left for us to uncover ourselves. 

We've been going through Genesis for many months now. Ironically, perhaps providentially, we began studying Noah and the Flood narrative along about the time that Nashville experienced its own deluge of water: The Flood of 2010. I think because of my own experience with the flooding here, the impact of what Noah went through became evermore real to me. I'm sure others feel the same. The shear impact of what water can do to a place has forever left an indelible imprint in my mind.

So, it's from the perspective of my own walk through "our" flood, that I looked through the lens at Noah and gleaned my own thoughts about God and His character... on trait in particular.

What struck a chord with me most is "waiting" and its prevalence throughout Biblical faith. Waiting is especially poignant to me in relation to our flood and how to direct my mother-in-law. I do not believe there are many callings more difficult than the challenge of waiting because waiting involves blind faith and dependance and trust in God's ability to provide even in the midst of the unexplainable.

I believe that The Flood Narrative reveals, through waiting, that the character and nature of God purposefully follows His own Divine plan and no other. Noah not only had to wait, but he was also challenged to trust that God had a plan...a perfect one...better than anyone one else's. 

In every situation and circumstance, in regard to man and beast, God has a plan. It is His own plan, and His plan is always in our best interest. The challenge, then, is not only to wait, but to also trust in God's ability to steer us down a path of open doors and to steer us away from the path of those He has closed. 

As our pastor said, only God can open a door that He, Himself, has closed. How often do I find myself tugging at the handle of a closed door, choosing paths for myself based on my own intuition, and forging ahead in my own blind desire to have control?...once is more than enough. Unfortunately, I've repeated this behavior more times than I'd care to admit. 

However, my saving grace, our saving grace, is that God allows us, woos us even, back to His path, His plan for our lives. If God's character exhibits nothing short of perfection, then how much more perfect and absolute should His ability be to provide a perfect plan for us?

The days of Noah, his family and the animals were ordered by God. The amount of rain and the number of days it rained were perfectly calculated by God. The days that the ark rested on the mountain top were precise, according to God's plan... God did not allow the rains to persist longer than necessary to fulfill His plan to destroy the Earth with water. God did not allow Noah to leave the ark any sooner than the Earth itself was prepared by God to receive him...God does not miscalculate. Miscalculation is not a part of His character; however, perfection is who He is by nature and in character...His perfection applies to all that He is and to all that He does.

Lesson learned? Perhaps for today. What I know, though, is that I will try my own plan again while I'm waiting for His. I know this because I know of my human tendency toward fallibility, despite my soul's desire to follow God's plan. I also know, though, that God will direct my steps, and His direction always leads back to Him and to His plan for my life.

Throughout the history of the Bible, God reminds us that, "The LORD of hosts has sworn: 'As I have planned, so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand'..." (Isaiah 14:24) He has also promised that, He knows the plans He has for us, declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) 

His plan is perfect. His plans will never fail.