Jump then Fall

Since returning from Haiti, my heart can't stop thinking about the children there. I was overwhelmed by the reality of so many children without parents. While I knew the statistic "147 Million" orphans, thanks to the wonderful awareness campaign by moms making a difference, that number itself is hard to comprehend. However, when I put faces with the number, my heart felt sick...so many children with no mom, no dad, no family.

One day, I spoke with one of the male workers at the orphanage. We had a long conversation. Jean Marie was learning English and was eager to talk to me. In our conversation, I asked him what he thought about Americans and other foreigners adopting the Haitian children and taking them out of their homeland. With Jean Marie being Haitian, I wanted to hear his perspective.

What he told me, further opened my eyes. Jean Marie said, "I love America. I love Americans. You have come in to help us when we cannot help ourselves. The only chance that these children have in this world is to be adopted. I am very grateful and happy that Americans want to take care of and love these kids." Those words, coming from Jean Marie whose homeland is Haiti, rocked my world.

Eliza and I fell in love with these precious souls. We loved on them, carried them, played with them, fed them, giggled, sang and just held them...for hours. It was so difficult to leave them when it was time to return to the States. Here, at home, I can't stop thinking about those children. One, in particular, holds a firm grasp on my heart. She is constantly on my mind and in my heart...

I was emotionally unprepared to be called "Mama Blanc"to tiny hearts thousands of miles away, and I know I am among hundreds of women who feel similar. The attachment is much more powerful than I imagined. So hard, in fact, that when Eliza and I came home, we asked our own family to consider adoption.

We have been praying now for just over 30 days. Some of us are looking for a big sign that says, "yes, adoption is for your family!" Some want a small sign, a nudge. Others of us don't need a sign at all. The heart just knows... perhaps that is sign enough.

Today I came across a quote that I wrote down during a Bible study last year. I don't know if someone in our group said it, if I penned it or if I paraphrased it from something that was said. It doesn't matter. 

What I wrote was, "Are you afraid to pray for what you need because of fear you might get it?" A couple of days ago, I was reading Facebook posts, and my friend Kelly posted, "Why do we doubt God when He...shows us opportunities -- why do we look for things to hold us back -- why?"

Both of those questions are "fear-based." We can talk ourselves out of anything if we focus on the fear-factor. I understand practicality and the need to consider reality when making a big decision, but sometimes, the best decisions are the most impractical, the most radical...the most real.

Fear of what is not practical can hold us back from falling...even while we stare possibility in the face. Fear of what feels radical can keep us from leaping...even while God holds His will in our face.

Do I need a sign? Do I have to hold out a fleece? Do I have to be practical?  Do I need reasons to hold myself back? If so, what am I going to miss?

I'm feeling the urge to jump...